


Fart-man

by Tanaletheia



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Batdad, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily Dynamics (DCU), Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, POV Outsider, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Tumblr Prompt, vigilantism is serious business
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:54:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23557912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanaletheia/pseuds/Tanaletheia
Summary: Commissioner Jim Gordon has a very serious meeting with Batman.
Relationships: Batman & his kids
Comments: 18
Kudos: 313





	Fart-man

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a prompt on tumblr from hiko73. The story was originally supposed to be aboout an "accidental fart", but it's evolved since.  
> I'll let you decide what you think for yourself!

Jim Gordon stood in the roof of Gotham City PD, leaning on the railing while smoking. He had turned on the Bat-Signal some time ago and was biding his time until Batman would show. Jim actually solved a lot of his cases on this roof waiting for Batman, when he had the time to think, the time to breathe and watch the skyline. Time to change his perspective.

The commissioner heard fabric rustling behind him and knew Batman had arrived.

"Commissioner."

He turned around to face the vigilante. "Batman."

The imposing figure half hidden in the shadows was still as intimidating as the first time he'd seen him. The menacing glint in the glowing eye lenses of the mask really sold the whole _demon from hell_ -idea that criminals spread when they first laid eyes on the man.

Jim exhaled smoke and let his eyes sweep over the man – for that was without a doubt what he was.

Batman stepped out of the shadow into the dim light. "I assume you called about the new drug spreading through the city?"

"Yes. My guys only got that they're operating from the docks."

Batman nodded. "They do. It's a new gang that's compromised out of people that used to work for Joker, Ivy and some other big players. They're-"

FRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

Jim had never known how a record scratch in your head felt like. Until now. Batman seemed frozen in place. So Jim cleared his throat to shake the mental block and continue. Everyone had embarrassing moments, no need to make Batman suffer. "So they aren't newbies but learned from some of the flashiest criminals in all of Gotham. Did you-"

FRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

Jim saw Batman's jaw tense. He _actually saw his jaw tense_. Batman's threshold was usually a lot higher than some involuntary flatulence.

Batman took deep measured breaths that reminded Jim of meditation and the anger management seminars he regularly sent some of his officers to. If he was a gambling man – and anyone else was on this roof with him – he would bet Batman had his eyes closed behind the cowl. After about half a minute his intense gaze was back on Jim and the vigilante seemed ready to keep going.

"The gang thankfully didn't adapt their mentors' flair for the drama-"

FRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

The clink of Batman's teeth meeting as his jaw slammed shut was audible.

Was that a vein pulsing under the cowl or was Jim imagining that?

"Do- do you need a minute?" he asked.

Batman threw a freezing glare Jim's way. "No. Why would I?"

Ignorance was bliss. Or something like that. Let Batman do what Batman needed to do. "Yes. – No." Jim shook his head. _Start over._ "We're really lucky if the gang doesn't decide to pick up a theme."

"Until now they've only established a small-"

FRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

A deep sigh. "A small parameter around-"

FRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

"-their warehouse as territory-"

FRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

Batman trembled all over by now. From the grit of his teeth Jim tipped on repressed anger. But he wasn't nearly crazy enough to ask.

Jim got his answer anyway when Batman exploded.

"Enough!" he shouted. Like the crazed lunatics he usually caught Batman jerked his head from left to right, peering into shadows and growling. "I know you're there! Get out here!"

Had Batman just lost his mind because he accidentally farted, or was Jim missing something?

"Now!" Batman growled like thunder. His stare was now focused on a particular shadow to their right.

The shadow shifted. Jim watched as Nightwing did that trick of appearing in the darkness that all the Gotham vigilantes seemed so fond of. His hands were held up on chest height, palms out. A good call on his part – if Batman started expelling steam from his nostrils soon Jim wouldn't be surprised.

"April fools?" he asked with a sheepish grin Jim had seen top often in the boy's Robin days. He couldn't imagine what Batman had had to deal with.

"That was more than a week ago," Batman said. He stared Nightwing down for another minute before turning to another shadow. "The rest of you can get out too."

Red Robin and Spoiler appeared from the opposite direction of Nightwing.

"But B-man!" whined Spoiler theatrically, "That's the beauty in waiting! You were totally wired on the first!"

Batman met her eyes with a cold stare designed to intimidate.

"Red had the speaker's remote!" she offered as she stepped aside, hoping Batman would find a new target in her partner in crime.

Red Robin looked betrayed for a second, gaze switching between Spoiler and Batman, before he seemed to remember something and focused solely on Batman. "It was all Hood's idea."

As if on cue Red Hood landed on the roof. "What the fuck Red?"

Jim would concentrate on the fact that Red Hood was on his roof in a second. As soon as he had processed that the man carried Robin kicking and swearing under his arm. "Unhand me you oaf!"

But Red Hood ignored him as he got into an argument with Red Robin. Then Robin caught sight of Batman.

"Father! These imbeciles hatched a most dastardly plan to humiliate you in front of Gordon!"

There was a second of silence before every youngster vigilante in Gotham started to defend themselves, blame the others, or argued that it was hilarious so who cared. Jim jerked his head this way and that but there was no chance to follow anything. The noise level kept mounting until Batman decided to end it all.

"Enough!" he shouted for the second time that night. "Cave. Now. Agent A will decide your punishments."

A low murmur swept over the kids and the roof emptied faster and more quietly than it had filled.

Just a few seconds later Jim Gordon stood on the roof of the GCPD alone again. Even Batman had abandoned him mid-discussion.

"Fuck."

Jim took another drag from his cigarette. The whole scene hadn't even taken long enough for it to burn down. He'd have to try to catch Batman again later. For now, he'd get back inside and get a coffee and something against this headache.

His phone beeped with an incoming message and a data transfer.

_Please excuse the children. -O_

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted anything in almost a year because I couldn't finish anything. What does it say about my psyche that this is what made it through? I don't really want to think about it...
> 
> What do you think the kids' punishment will be?
> 
> Tell me what you thought in the comments or visit me on [tumblr](https://batkidsaremadkids.tumblr.com)!


End file.
